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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23736997">you're the first and the last thought (when all's said and done)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsxstars/pseuds/wordsxstars'>wordsxstars</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, It's super short im sorry, Kind of hopeful at the end? idk maybe that's a reach oops, M/M, No Fluff, Okay so its canon because of what happens, One Shot, SteveTony, Unhappy Ending, actually nvm thats canon, also I know this is sad but I wrote it because I'm not having the best day so here have a sadfic!!!, but also kind of not canon because steve is in love with tony, i dont know why i thought breaking my happy denial would end well but ig lesson learnt, okay its definitely a reach this is just depressing, this is not a happy fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:48:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,446</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23736997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsxstars/pseuds/wordsxstars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They are made of memories, <em> Tony </em> is made of memories<br/>And, so much like the endless expanse of galaxy that had made up Tony’s mind,<br/>memories are infinite</p><p>  <em>or: i hope the moon knows how much i love you </em></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you're the first and the last thought (when all's said and done)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>and so i'm rising from my fic hiatus to give you one of the saddest things I've ever written. you're welcome ?? idk. anyway, this fic idea came to me at about three in the morning, hence why it's kind of very sad, but I like to think it's sad in a beautiful way? maybe???<br/>thats the sound of me lying to myself</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve Rogers has never really understood the concept of a soulmate. </p><p>After all, they’re myths, legends, stories made up for children to help them feel hopeful about finding love one day. He’s lived enough of a life that he shouldn’t believe in these things, shouldn’t let himself believe in these things. </p><p>The idea that there is one person, one person to fit with you like the missing piece of a puzzle, one person who you always sense walking into a room, one person who makes you feel <em> alive </em>… It has never been anything his brain has really been able to comprehend. </p><p>But now-</p><p>But now, as Tony Stark sits before him, burns dancing up the side of his face like a darker form of an artwork he never wanted to see, he thinks he understands. </p><p>He can’t bring himself to move, can’t bring himself to speak. There’s a panic somewhere in him, something screaming at him to <em> run, </em> to <em> hide, </em>because there isn’t a single place in the world that can hurt more than here. </p><p>Pepper is there now, kneeling before him. Steve thinks he might hear Tony speak, maybe smile. He isn’t sure. There’s a roaring in his head, a blanket of endless white noise. Underneath it all is the pain, the agony that will surely hit later, ripping through him and stealing everything. </p><p>And then Tony catches his eye, gaze filled with nothing but love, and the memories slam into him with the force of a hurricane.</p><p>
  <em> (Flash) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Steve comes into the kitchen of the tower one time for water at 2am, and walks right into Tony. The billionaire is making pasta by the looks of it, something that smells of garlic and herbs and Italian summer nights and warmth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I didn’t know you could cook.” Is the only thing he’s able to think of saying in the moment. Tony smiles, and it's so bright, eyes dancing with amusement despite the early hours of the morning, arc reactor glowing deep in his chest. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (My darling, never let that blue fade) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Well now you do cap.” </em>
</p><p>He can still remember Tony’s smile then, so beautiful, so happy. He would’ve killed to freeze time forever in that moment.</p><p>
  <em> (Flash) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tony drags him onto the couch for a movie night one evening, desperate to show him a classic film that Steve still hasn’t seen yet.  </em>
</p><p><em> “It’s Star Wars cap, how have you </em> not <em> seen it?” </em></p><p>
  <em> Steve laughs quietly, allowing himself to sit down and relax for a while </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I was frozen for seventy years shellhead, did you expect anything else?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tony grins at that, throwing an arm around his shoulders. Steve ignores how much his chest aches at the comforting weight. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I guess not.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He also ignores the warmth in his chest, the peace that sweeps through him as they start the first movie. And when Tony’s head ends up on his shoulder once he falls asleep, Steve doesn’t move, even after the film finishes  </em>
</p><p>Steve can feel none of that content joy now. There’s a numbness in his bones, a dull aching agony that is sweeping over him. It’s almost gentle, how much it hurts, like the pain is attempting an apology as it rips him apart.</p><p>
  <em> (Flash) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Steve has always loved watching Tony in the workshop. There’s something so calming about it, watching his hands fly over keyboards, blue light reflected in his eyes.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The billionaire’s brain, Steve thinks, will never cease to amaze him. It could be a thousand years, and Tony’s mind will remain a galaxy of wonder and starlight, and endless expanse of silver in the darkness. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (If my light fades, promise me you’ll save it? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I swear) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You’re staring Cap.” Tony murmurs without looking up from his work.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Just trying to get this right.” Steve says back, grip tightening a little on his pencil. He’s nervous, drawing Tony. Steve wonders if he’s always going to be a little nervous around him. “Are you even trying to hold still?” </em>
</p><p><em> Tony turns to him with a huff and a wicked smile. “You know, when you told me you wanted to draw me, I’ll admit I </em> had <em> expected this to end more like Titanic.” </em></p><p>
  <em> Steve, who had watched the film with him a couple of nights ago and knows very well what the genius is referring to, blushes, ducking his head, cheeks burning. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tony’s soft answering laugh doesn't leave his mind for hours after. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He knows Tony likes to flirt with everything that breathes, but it still catches him off guard.  </em>
</p><p>Tony has always been good at catching him off guard. </p><p>But not like this. Please, <em> god, </em>anything but this.</p><p>
  <em> (Flash) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> They dance once at a gala, nothing fancy, nothing special. But Tony- </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tony is in a dark suit, blue tie, and when he saunters up and offers him an arm, Steve can swear he feels his heart stop dead in his chest. Tony has worn his trademark smirk for almost the entire night, so Steve knows it is only for him when the billionaire smiles softly, leading him onto the dance floor.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Steve doesn’t know what to do with his feet the entire time, but Tony takes control with a grin, eyes so bright in the flickering candlelight. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Relax cap, you’re doing great.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The warmth in his voice startles him for a second, but then Steve relaxes into the dance, and the movement comes more naturally.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> They dance until even Steve’s feet hurt, but Tony’s happy, real smile doesn't falter for even a second. </em>
</p><p>There’s a kid crying somewhere now, a kid in a Spiderman suit. He doesn't belong on a battlefield like this, no one so young should have to see it, see the pain and the death and the hero who’s finally fallen.</p><p>Steve remembers fighting Spiderman once, a long, long time ago. It had been a time of lies, a time of pain, a time of so much guilt he had thought that maybe it would rip him apart. He had never apologised for that day, not really. He had known, and the pain in Tony’s eyes during that video had nearly killed him.</p><p><em> I’m sorry, </em> he had imagined himself whispering time and time again after everything. <em> I love you, I love you so much, I’m sorry.  </em></p><p>
  <em> I never wanted to hurt you. Not you, never you.  </em>
</p><p>It’s too late now. But isn’t that what he had said to Bruce so long ago? Something about the world’s leading authority on waiting too long. Maybe once, he would have laughed at that. Not now. </p><p>
  <em> (Flash) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When Tony walks into the tower one night, he’s drunk. He looks happy, so Steve doesn’t worry, just smiles as the genius walks over, stumbling a step.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Steve!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tony’s voice is warm as it curls around his name, and Steve thinks he would give up everything to hear him say it again, eyes so bright.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey.” he says softly, catching him as he stumbles another step. ‘You okay genius?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tony smiles at him, and his heart stutters to a halt inside his chest. His eyes are so brown, so warm. The light reflects off them, turning them into amber that Steve knows he could get lost in forever. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Just wanted to see you.” </em>
</p><p>He wants Tony to open his eyes now, begs him to silently. They haven’t had enough time, they need more time, they need-</p><p>
  <em> Please.  </em>
</p><p>He doesn’t know how to live in a world without Iron man. </p><p>
  <em> (Flash) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tony laughs like he talks, unapologetically, beautifully, and confidently. But the laugh in the middle of the night with his dark hair curling from sleep is quieter, softer. Steve loves him so much it hurts. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (Flash) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His hands are always warm. Everything about Tony is warm. He wonders if this is what home feels like.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I love you.  </em>
</p><p>When the lingering memories fade again, there’s so much quiet. Everyone is silent; it feels like they're waiting for something.</p><p>There is no more blue glowing in the dark, and Steve can feel a part of him dying, and he can’t breathe, and <em> you let the blue die, you let it fade, you let him go. </em></p><p>It hurts, because Tony, the one person who has never failed to understand him, is gone. </p><p>And yet-</p><p>And yet. </p><p><em> I won’t forget, </em>Steve finds himself thinking. The pain tears through him but he lets it happen, lets the tide sweep in and drag him out, lets the agony wash over him in waves. The images are bright in the forefront of his consciousness. </p><p>They are made of memories, <em> Tony </em> is made of memories </p><p>And, so much like the endless expanse of galaxy that had made up Tony’s mind,</p><p>memories are infinite</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>honestly feel free to shout at me for this one. </p><p>you can find me on tumblr <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/wordsxstars">here</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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